I hit a psychological block this time around. The weeks after my fourth chemo treatment were rough. Nausea lasted longer than usual. Days passed with a lot more sleeping, napping, and aching. Which is expected. Fatigue is another major side effect of chemo. The added aches are a side effect from a drug I inject myself with every two weeks to keep my white blood cell count up. Not only did I have to increase my anti-nausea meds, I also had to go one step stronger for my pain meds. A double dose of extra strength acetaminophen no longer met my needs.
On Tuesday, in preparation for Thursday's chemo, I had my routine blood tests to make sure my blood counts are decent. Two small vials. Should be no big deal. Except my stomach was churning. Maybe it was because I had a very busy morning (oncologist appointment, delivering art activity kits, costume hunting), or because I had a leftover fast food sandwich for lunch, or because for the past week I have been dreading my fifth chemo. After I left the clinic I, uh, well...highlight at your own risk: fast food became upsy-daisy food. I upchucked while I was driving home. Luckily I caught most of the regurgitated contents in a bath towel I keep in my car. And I hadn't even had chemo yet!!!
I am allowed a space of apprehension. I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to say, "I don't want to do this anymore." I could quit if I wanted to, call my oncologist and cancel all future appointments. That is an option.
However, like one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite movies, no matter how bad a situation may get, I will not quit.
Here's to you, Kiddo!
However, like one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite movies, no matter how bad a situation may get, I will not quit.
Here's to you, Kiddo!
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| Wiggle your big toe. |
Hard part's over. Now let's get these other chemos cycling.
Amanda, Thank you for your fearlessness in sharing your story. I read all your posts. The other day, I shared your blog with a customer at Nordies who is facing similar circumstances. She wrote it down, and I know that at the very least, your words and sincerity will act as a guide. I pray blessings for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm honored that you read all of my posts. And also, thank you for sharing. Your customer contacted me and we have been exchanging emails. She is delightful! Blessings to you as well!
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