Wednesday, June 25, 2014

My Denial Phase

Of all the emotions I've experienced, denial has been the most fascinating by far.

I completely convinced myself that someone had made a mistake and that my last prediction of "Tiny will be nothing" would come true. Luckily, I reached a state of acceptance before receiving my official diagnosis.

Rather than reflecting on the strangeness that was Denial, I'll share some quotes from my journal during the days between my excisional biopsy on Friday and my ENT calling with the official diagnosis on Wednesday.

(Updated: For those who don't know, Christine is my youngest sister.)


Excerpts from my journal:

Saturday, April 26

I have lymphoma.
It’s weird to write. I don’t feel like I’ve fully comprehended it yet.
Weird weird weird.

Sunday, April 27

I’m definitely going through a denial phase. I keep thinking someone must have made a mistake. Is this really happening? I feel fine. This is ridiculous. OMG. It sounds like a story I made up for attention. OMG.
I don’t know if I can do this.

The part of me that’s in denial feels like this is some kind of sick joke.
At any minute someone is going to pull back the curtain and reveal a camera crew and say, “surprise!”
Of course, that’s not going to happen.
This denial phase is getting worse. I don’t like it. At the same time, I just have to get through it. Gah! How am I going to make it through this? All of this?

Monday, April 28

I’m seriously in denial. I’ve convinced myself that the doctor made a mistake. Really. He made a mistake. I’ll get a phone call tomorrow and he’ll say, “I’m sorry for the scare. It looked like lymphoma, but we were wrong. Tiny is benign. You just need some antibiotics to minimize those other swollen lymph nodes.”
It’s too unreal. Seriously. This is something from a story. The universe has chosen the wrong character. Really.
And I keep telling myself to wake up. I sat for over a minute telling myself to wake up. And I will wake up tomorrow in my bed and everything will reset to normal.

In tears, I called Christine. I was bawling and cringing. Christine asked if I wanted her to come over. I said yes and she came over. I think this was the worst cry yet. Christine and I sat on the sofa, and I leaned against her chest in a fetal position, and I bawled and cried out and I was a mess.

Mom thinks I’m in denial. I told her there is a difference between having a definite diagnosis and having an in-process diagnosis.
Now, if it is lymphoma, will I deny it and ask for a second opinion? No. I’m not that crazy. Maybe for the next day or two I just need to exercise my faith that my last prediction will come true. I will have to do a massive retraction via Facebook and email and whatever and simply say I have never been more grateful for a misdiagnosis in my life!

AM I CRAZY to believe that there is still a chance for a diagnosis other than cancer?
Is there anything I can do to have this condition taken from me?

Tuesday, April 29

I’m ready for a diagnosis. An official diagnosis. I’m tired of waiting. I want to know now.

OMG. I’m really ready for this. Yesterday and the night before, full-blown DENIAL!!! I won’t say I’m at acceptance. I am content with a cancer diagnosis. Weird.
Wow. I really am.
I hope I get a phone call tomorrow with a confirmation. All I can do is pray.

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